I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
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[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge