ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
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Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
My dad.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh