Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
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black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see