I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
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[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.