trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
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Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.