WHY would you be happy about this?
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Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.