The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
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You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”