When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
You Might Also Like
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Just why bro?!
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe