Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
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“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken