Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
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ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
I’m giving up for Lent.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Autocarrot sucks!
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”