Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
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I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?