Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
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me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.