frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
You Might Also Like
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Any refunds available?…
🙀🙀🙀😹
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.