I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
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I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
The dark side of Canada
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
The big book of baby names but for safe words
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.