I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
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My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash