a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
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Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
BaD BoY!!
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?