PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
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Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
I need a headline like this
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
This classic never gets old . . .