Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
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EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?