Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
You Might Also Like
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now