Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
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Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Not today
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.