Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
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Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
*Seductively hides in the woods
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.