Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
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Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Moms. The original autocorrect.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner