~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
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On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.