Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
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Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
12653.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying