Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
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Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Lmao
sigh
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face