Gross if literal…Liverpool
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If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this