me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
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If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”