My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
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Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.