wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
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Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
cause of death:
autopsy.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”