If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
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He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet