I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
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My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.