2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
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My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her