5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
You Might Also Like
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Sell your car
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Me trying to walk in a dream
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”