Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
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I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she鈥檚 upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I鈥檒l scream
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don鈥檛 tell me what to do.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
I鈥檓 ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 馃檪
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
date: I love a man who鈥檚 self aware
me: I鈥檓 honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
I don鈥檛 mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn鈥檛 need anymore.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.