Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
You Might Also Like
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we