at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
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Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
my mind
You just read my mind
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Meeeee too!
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
“No way.” -Jose
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.