I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
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Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
How much for the goth pool noodles?
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better