[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
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I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂