You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
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Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Today’s Times
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case