Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
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Taliband
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
I didn’t come here to be called names
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.