I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
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If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.