Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
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*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Breaking news:
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.