Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
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Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.