Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
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I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
I’d hang this in my house.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips