Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
You Might Also Like
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
a fate I wish upon no one
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
This headline is a thing of beauty
A Short Story.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!