“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
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How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.