Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
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ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Cha-ching is my safe word
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.