My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
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Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.