smartest karate player in the world
You Might Also Like
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.