As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
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So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Breakfast for Stoners:
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”